On sailing stormy seas...
I have always struggled with weight issues. I think I just accepted that I would always be “bigger”. Even when I was in high school, I resigned myself to being the chubby girl and “knew” that I would be the “fat parent” if I ever had kids one day. I first met Karen shortly after my second child was born, in 2009. I had a friend who saw this cool program with women and weights at Panorama and we signed up together. I took the program a couple of times and then did her very first Best Shape Challenge. There’s a photo of me on Karen’s webpage from that challenge! Through most of 2009 – 2013 I dabbled in Karen’s program. I enjoyed feeling strong, but often felt I had no time to work-out with a full time career and two little kids. I’ve since learned that was because I was making it about the workout…and not about the life. More on that later!
I have lost at least 90 lbs (not really sure, since I stopped keeping track after about 250lbs) and too many percentages of body fat to count. I know I was at 34.5% in January 2017. I was 155 lbs and 27% at last check a couple of weeks ago. But this really isn’t a weight loss story…
In early 2014 I was involved in a boot-camp style workout group. In February 2014 my husband and two kids came to participate with me in a special Family Day workout class. At that class, my husband struggled with the fitness component (odd, since he was relatively young and in decent shape) and, as we soon-after determined, had some type of cardiac incident during the class. That created a flurry of medical test, appointments, countless specialists and full on exhaustion. Every test was abnormal, every appointment resulted in more questions. With every possible diagnosis thrown out I saw more and more of my life disappearing. I spiraled. I felt like I couldn’t work out, couldn’t make a plan and was paralyzed by the unknown. By July 2014, he had been diagnosed with a very rare, degenerative mitochondrial disease to which there is no cure and is, ultimately, fatal.
I have watched as my husband has lost a great deal of physical, emotional and cognitive capacity. I have watched the active, healthy, vibrant life I wanted fade away to something, quite frankly, I don’t want. However, the gym continues to teach me. I have grown stronger and carried on being active with my kids. Being strong and healthy has become who I am because this is not a privilege that all of us have. I want to grow old with my kids, see grandchildren and be strong enough physically and emotionally for that. That is why I workout. It’s about centering myself.
Currently I workout 6 days a week. I go around 5 am and I am incredibly blessed to workout in a private gym by myself. I keep the lights on low and the music barely on, if at all. I move through the workout, listening to the sounds of the weight clanking or the machines moving up and down in steady rhythm. The time I spend in the gym is not about the weight loss or even the workout – it is the connection to myself and my experience of grounding. I push myself through the last of the really hard shoulder presses and, simultaneously, remind myself of my inner strength and ability to carry on in life. Being in the gym reminds me to honour the ebbs and flows – I almost always show up for a workout at some point during the day. Sometimes they’re not stellar, sometimes I barely lift anything, sometimes I just cry in the gym (helps to be alone!!). Either way, I show up. Being in the gym teaches me how to manage at life.
Many people ask me what my secret is. I usually laugh off the question and tell them it’s all Karen. And while, as many of you know, Karen is amazing. She reminds me to be strong and carry on and she inspires me every day to be better. People ask me when I will be done. I try to share that this is not an end goal, but a road. I have goals, for sure, but it’s not to reach an end point of body fat and be done. Any success I’ve had has arisen straight out of consistency. Straight up: regular workouts, measured/weighed food and maintaining plain ol’ consistency with sleep and life. It’s not fancy and it’s really no great secret. It’s hard, don’t get me wrong. I am essentially a single parent to two children, taking care of a spouse with countless medical issues who can be extremely challenging sometimes, maintaining a full time job, completing a Masters’ Degree and taking care of dogs and cats and chickens and fish and a house and large yard. But the ability to maintain consistency and focus for a healthy living lifestyle comes from a far deeper place – recognizing that being strong and healthy support a deeper spiritual connection to myself and the universe, helping me to continually discover who I am and why I this is the life I have. (Warrior Woman since 2010).